Carnage at Christmas: The worst presents ever
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In the meantime, in stark contrast to our own magnificent offer, here’s the most underwhelming Christmas presents we’ve ever received. Find any of the following items in your stocking, and this Christmas could be more harrowing than a 24-hour marathon of Cliff Richard videos on the God-bothering channel. Here’s the Christmas list of shame…
A year’s supply of deodorant, with an anonymous note begging you, begging you to just please think about using this stuff, okay?
The Global Chancellor: Helmut Schmidt and the Reshaping of the International Order by Kristina Spohr. One for all those readers who couldn’t get enough of the same author’s Transcending the Cold War: Summits, Statecraft, and the Dissolution of Bipolarity in Europe, 1970 – 1990.
A box of sweets from your brother, which he invariably fails to cover in wrapping paper, preferring to simply hand you the item in a plastic carrier bag.
Blu Ray boxset of Ricky Gervais’ sitcom Derek.
A knock-off version of a once popular child’s toy, brought from a market stall or perhaps a car boot sale. I received a ‘Rubik’s cube’ like this once, it didn’t make it through Boxing Day.
A copy of the book Super Alan Pardew, Crystal Palace Cult Hero. Looking for the positives, it is only 11 pages long.
A breadbin. My mother once presented my father with one of these on Christmas Day. They separated soon afterwards.
A postal order for £2, and you will say thank you to your aunt, you ungrateful little bugger.
Officially branded Make America Great Again commemorative dog-shit disposal bags.
Classic Spider-man annual where the much-loved children’s superhero battles his arch enemy, the Green Goblin, who murders Spidey’s girlfriend Gwen Stacy by throwing her off a bridge; meanwhile, the webslinger’s best pal Harry Osborne is busy overdosing on LSD. Perfect gift for the nine-year-old comics-fan / budding depressive in your family.
Super Kevin Spacey Odyssey! Exceptionally poorly-conceived video game that allows players to take control of disgraced Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey as he embarks on a magical quest to satisfy his all-consuming lust for power.
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