New Manchester United manager Ralf Rangnick is not a man to be trifled with. During his time as coach of RB Leipzig, Rangnick devised some innovative punishments for players guilty of misdemeanours such as arriving late to training.
Perhaps inspired by classic Bob Mortimer character Judge Nutmeg, the German coach devised a spinning “wheel of justice” which featured a number of cruel and unusual penalties to be meted out in the event of misbehaviour.
Some of the punitive measures that Leipzig players had to undergo included working in the club shop, serving food in the canteen, and even training in a tutu.
And with Manchester United having underperformed for years since the departure of Sir Alex Ferguson, speculation is rife that Rangnick’s wheel is about to make a comeback at Old Trafford.
Below, we’ve compiled a list of seven potential forfeits that United’s players could face in the coming weeks:
- Deliver a presentation to the entire Man United squad explaining why Lionel Messi is the greatest footballer who has ever lived, and how nobody else will ever come close. Nobody.
- Spend an entire day embracing a Jim Carrey Liar Liar style approach to public relations, where players are permitted only to voice completely honest thoughts on social media, and must respond to any questions from their doting public in wholly truthful fashion.
- Taking a cue from the classic Nicholas Cage film Face Off, Cristiano Ronaldo and Phil Jones will be required to undergo irreversible experimental surgery resulting in each man being given the other’s face. Cue hilarious mix-ups as Ronaldo attempts to do his famous “siu” celebration while gurning uncontrollably.
- Paul Pogba and Graeme Souness must engage in an Odd Couple style reality TV living arrangement, where the pair spend six months housed together in cramped, modest accommodation, attempting to come to terms with their differences. Features cameo appearances from Mino Raiola as the cheeky neighbour who pops up every week to tell Paul how great his new haircut looks, while a livid Souness looks on.
- Harry Maguire must report to Roy Keane’s house, where Keane will challenge the United captain to wrestle naked with him in front of a roaring fireplace in order to settle their beef.
- Donny van de Beek to be given mandatory contract extension.
- For the most serious infractions, players will be strapped into A Clockwork Orange style machinery as footage from Paul Scholes’ toenail video is played on repeat to an accompanying soundtrack of This Is The One.
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